Because I want to talk about some of the factors that play into it, factors that aren't misguided and inappropriate of themselves.
I came out to a man that I've known for a few years. I've always regarded him as a mentor, a guiding force, a seasoned veteran of this topsy turvy life, one who had done rather well and whose example I would be wise to follow. When I came out to him, I received the most genuine, empathetic, resonant response I had ever received in my journey. He recognized the years of entrapment, the protracted state of fear and distress and frustration. What had started to feel like a game as the people in my life struggled to get my new name and pronouns right, became very real again. I felt like this man, out of all the people I would consider close, had really seen me. He understood. He gets it.
There's nothing quite as sexy as a laconic bond. That's what this was. I only had to say a few words and my entire story was unfolded in front of him, where others had only seen the cover of a very strange book in a language they couldn't understand. I felt like he had a clue, years ago, when he made a connection between the daredevil attention seeking of men, attempting to be impressive through bravery, and my choice of passtimes. But in the reveal it seemed that he hadn't made quite that assumption.
I became a little obsessed, but comfortably so, because I've been obsessed before and I know better how to handle it now. But I have to be clear that it wasn't just this cerebral connection that triggered my lightning ligation. I'm also in a situation now where being at home is not only an on-again-off-again nightmare, it's also unstable in the sense of, I'm not sure how much longer I can live there, or how long I will be allowed to live there. So it's no surprise that I focused my emotional energies on an independent being who could provide me with a more amiable roof to kick my shoes off under. It's no surprise that my fantasies center around living with this man, with my current landlords far out of sight.
The end of my romantic involvement with X left a hole in my heart that I've tried desperately to fill in a number of ways for the past few months. But now it's become more than that. A convoluted, self-contained attempt at escapism.
