Delusional Obsessive Infatuation

I have a crush on (will not state here because public forum). He's ridiculous and some people claim mentally ill, but he's so fascinating and charismatic. And he brings his little boy to [work] sometimes. And from this I learned what a loving, attentive, protective father he is.

I stayed in [the office] one day and we talked about the relationships between chemical consumption and mental illness. He changed my mind about some things. And I think I might have changed his ideas a little bit too. And I think he respects me for this, for presenting my thoughts reasonably and for the quality of my arguments.

From the way he treats me around others, I've gotten hints that he likes me too. But what kind of like? As a student, a child, an amorphous being in the world? A young person he'd like to see his child grow up to have some qualities of? Or a person who he wish his wife had been more like?

I find myself fantasizing about him constantly. In my mind, I hold two mutually exclusive beliefs in tandem. One, that love is ageless, that a gap of thirty years is meaningless, that I could be a great mentor to his son and a loving and caring partner. I would change the course of my life plans to be with him. Because if something makes you happy, chase it. And on that basis it seems okay. But on the other side I am gripped by fear. The very real social and legal consequences of [a high and low ranking person] getting involved could change the course of my life in ways that I would never intend.

And so I uphold my fantasies on the basis that yes, happiness would be possible, but I will never do anything about it, because taking a chance that he might react as I would hope (which is incredibly slim, let's talk <1%) is not worth being kicked out of [my job] and black-listed for all other [jobs].

I fancy myself in love. And its kind of fun to be in love when you're very willing to not do anything to pursue it. I am comforted by the affection I create in my imagination even if it never occurs in the sensory world.

I imagine being so happy with him, of being part of the dynamic of his son and ex-wife, his research and his hobbies. In my mind, he's not the kind of guy that would get in a relationship with a twenty-year old just for sex. I think almost half my reason for keeping my thoughts to myself is to preserve this delusion.

It's very hard for me to get attached to people my own age. But ever since I was thirteen I've been attracted to inspirational instructors, usually one each year. But not since I was fourteen did I have sleeping dreams about an instructor. That dream was the spark that ignited a small preference into a delusional obsessive infatuation. I knew this because when I woke up, I desperately wanted to go back to that dream, to be with him. And it scared me, until I realized that I don't have to do anything about it. It's okay to imagine.