So I've been on all of one date with this guy. It's been six days since that first date. In that time, I had two killer exams and he lost his job. So Thursday night there was a lot of comforting to go around. But instead, I decided to drink and use that as a means of speaking my truths. There were things I needed to say. He was surprisingly receptive, and supportive. He brought out tears that I had been denying for a long time, he let me cry. Because he figured me out. I knew what signals I had been letting through, and he picked up almost all of them. But I learned something about myself from this. I really prefer to keep my mouth shut. I don't share personal experiences, I downplay my pain, and I "triple-think" before I speak; I very carefully consider the consequences of my words before I let them out.
But then you get a situation like this. I had to tell him things, things I thought might hurt him, that I didn't know how to say. Sober me would ruminate on it and it would never come out. But I knew I had a responsibility. So I drank, and the thoughts flowed. And you know what? I think he liked me more.
The funny thing is, I ran into a similar situation the next morning. You see, even for being significantly older than me, and being supported by his parents, and until recently working a full time job, he somehow also manages to have almost no money. He lives paycheck to paycheck. Now, this has two consequences in my mind. One, worry about his viability as a partner if he cannot be responsible with his money. Two, how I can possibly in good conscience allow him to wine and dine me. These two postulates can interact in an interesting dynamic. If he deems that he is able to treat me, then that is his right. He should be responsible enough to make that decision for himself. On the other hand, if he is not responsible enough to allocate his money reasonably, then he does then lose that right of courtship?
So when he checked his bank account to determine if he had enough money to take me out to lunch, I had an internal CPU surge. And, because I was no longer drunk, I took way too much time trying to figure out how to articulate my concerns without insulting him. Which, lets be real, when it comes to money, is almost impossible. But I realized that there was no way out of it, I couldn't hide that something was bothering me, so I talked. And he assured me that if was a problem, he would tell me. I really hope he holds to that. And if the situation now isn't a problem, I have to worry how bad the situation needs to be to qualify as a problem.
I asked how this had happened, and he prefaced with "that's where my life is right now." And for some reason, I understood. I realize now how easily I could be in his shoes, and how that wouldn't reflect my character. In better circumstances, I feel like his status would be very different. But that doesn't make him a lesser person now. But, I hope to be those better circumstances. To be a source of inspiration, a reserve of happiness. Of hope.
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