Yes, I'm trying to flirt with you just as hard as I can. And I'm wondering, of all the signals I'm sending, which do you pick up? And in all your little actions, conversation, small-talk, what are you intending to send as a signal? What of my actions are misperceived?
Like when you tell me that you love Wuthering Heights. I just about swallowed my tongue, mostly at the thought of an intelligent person enjoying such... angst. Especially a happy person like you. Then you made the most shallow analysis of the book I've ever heard. I am Heathcliff, for I go away then come back with lots of money. No, that is not what that book is about, at all. And then you mentioned that you loaned out the movie to someone else. Who else? Is there someone else that is special in your life? <paranoid jealousy> Am I not special in receiving this attention? How can I judge?
But then, I notice how you compliment me, in ways I don't deserve, and that when I got up to leave, you left with me, to accompany me, to talk about randomness. Are you Dickenson or Bronte? Really? That was your lead-in? But then why did you ramble on through my flirtation, "who's your Catherine?" Was it because we were outside, people might be watching? Probably, I took advantage of the opening without considering the circumstances strongly. But did you notice? Were you trying to discourage me, and if so, was it the circumstances, or the base concept? Do you want me to stop? I don't think so, not the way you wink at me.
My day was so much better once I decided to visit. I pushed down my fear, my excuses, my lack of excuses, and went. And then, I just did what came naturally, I helped someone with their homework and succeeded and it was awesome, and hopefully, I impressed you, just a little bit.
Then you made a connection. You tried to impress me, I think. Maybe, maybe not. And that's the theme of this post. What is just conversation, and what is flirting? Do you notice that I'm trying to reach out to you, or do you think its just my quirk? Did you think I was ignoring you when I decided to help that girl, or did you see it as an attempt to connect? (which it wasn't, I guess at this point its just instinct to assist in the learning process) Did you see my disdain for Wuthering Heights as an insurmountable personality difference? Probably not, but I guess it depends on how you interpret it. Also I found myself swearing up one side and down the other. I wonder if you noticed.
But I'm sure, absolutely sure, that you don't think about me as much as I think about you. Because I had to ask you if we were still on for today, approx 4 hours before the appointed time. If you'd thought about me at all before that time, you would have informed me of the cancellation. So where does that leave me? I'm a passing detail in your life, invisible when not immediately in front of your eyes. There are other ways to interpret this happenstance but that requires too much (wishful) over-thinking. Its unlikely that you neglected to inform me because you hoped I would show up anyway.
Which means that being proactive is the best thing I can possibly do. Waiting for you to notice me works zero. But to become a big enough part of your life, that you notice when I'm not there, well then... maybe you'll do something to keep me around? Wishful thinking.
But the important thing is, you take your hot chocolate with extra chocolate.
No comments:
Post a Comment