I had a major breakdown last night. I had discovered the article a day or two previous that transgender persons were still under the confines of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, but I didn't fully understand what that meant. I thought I could join as my target gender as long as I didn'tgo around telling everyone that I used to be a girl. Wrong. On two levels.
One, the official policy is that "transsexualism" is considered a paraphilia, a psychosexual disorder that prohibits participation in the armed forces.
Two, the physical exam considers genital surgery as a "severe genital deformity" that prohibits participation in the armed forces.
So I am not allowed to get sexual reassignment surgery. And while serving as physically female, I cannot acknowledge my true identity, because it would be seen as equivalent to psychosis.
I was so hurt, so lost. Joining the military has been my plan for approx. 4 years now. I don't know if I have a plan anymore. It's not that I was certainly going to transition before beginning service, but at least it was my choice; I was going to transition when it made sense in my life, either before looking for a career and spouse as my true self, or after having children. But it was going to be my choice. And now the military wants to take that away from me.
The fears that had kept me in the closet turned out to be very justified. Because I haven't publicly declared myself, I can still choose to fly under the radar and join the service, and reconsider the pursuit of my "real life" after the conclusion of my service obligation. But I really don't think I want to do that.
I was so ready to come out, I was revving up to be out and proud and explain exactly why being transgender doesn't mean I have to start messing with my body right away. To immediately sweep that under the carpet, to do so deliberately for the next decade... what a betrayal of myself! How many years would I spend hating myself for that decision?
My next move seems to be coming out, in a big, bold way, and advocating for the acceptance of openly trans* persons, both pre- and post-operative, into the armed forces. I hope to be the big hero, I hope to be "the one that made it happen." And maybe when I am accepted openly into the force, everyone will know my name and most of them will hate me, and I may be afraid but I won't have to be ashamed. Maybe they'll put me in the progressive unit, with all the other queers and freaks. Maybe I'll be the first "tranny" most of those soldiers has ever met. Too many maybes.
I think I'm getting committed. I can't just sit back idly and forge some alternative without speaking out, just as I am very resistant to staying in the closet for the sake of ignorant bigots *ahem* commanding officers. I'm not your cookie-cutter corn-fed white Protestant American. But I'm good. I'm worth it. I am a healer, and I am a soldier. Believing in something means doing something about it. It's time for me to fucking do something about this.
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