Turmoil

Turmoil

I'm not happy. This relationship doesn't make me happy. Its an odd paradox that being in love and being happy don't always go hand in hand. Is it even possible? All I feel is hurt, frustration, guilt, and that I've abandoned myself, for something that isn't even returning on the investment.

What's the point? If you think of someone and the first emotion is frustrated longing, only its not a crush, its someone who's actually supposed to love you too... is that a relationship worth having? Does it even qualify as romantic? Am I leading myself down the same self-destructive path. I don't feel worthwhile, and I don't feel honest to myself. I feel like the only way I can be proud of myself is to pack up and leave while I'm not still too far behind. I've embarrassed myself to be used in this fashion.

I'm angry that past themes are boiling back up to bite me. Is this a different relationship? Or should I learn from past events that involved different people? And when oh when am I ever going to do what I dream of and just change my name and be the oddball that I feel inside? To stop letting people call me a woman. It doesn't matter what the adjectives are. Beautiful, strong, it doesn't matter. I am not a woman. And I have a good enough idea of what it is to be a man that I wouldn't label myself as that either. I am mercurial. I am me. And I need to be respected and treated as such by the people who say that they care about me more than others do.

I mean, as long as you're not having sex with me, would it really hurt your heterosexual sensibilities much to treat me in the manner which best reflects the person you're with, even if its not the person you thought I was? But, to be fair, I warned you, I came out, I laid down my cards. And still you have the gall, the audacity to call me a woman. That is not who I am. Not at all. And it hurts me, it offends me, it grates against my mind. Its something that I need to be able to talk about and I just can't, I'm so afraid, of everyone. Even you.