Evolving Infatuation

So I'm still in love with the man I can't have. And my affection began to wane when I made assumptions for the worst.

He has a ten year old son, and he spent a week surfing while the boy stayed with his mom, and just this weekend went on a surfing trip as well. I drew the conclusion that he had partial custody and was taking advantage of low responsibility by going off and having his own fun. Which I didn't really respect.

But I was so, so wrong. As it turns out, he has full custody. In his words, he's "thrilled" whenever his boy's mother wants to see him. When he told me this, I think I let the smile show on my face. My belief in him as a good father was 100% restored in that fraction of a second that it took to say "full custody".

So many of my fantasies about joining his family involved getting his son to be comfortable with me, not replacing his mother, but being his friend and an adult he could trust. To some extent, that would be less of an issue, since its likely that he doesn't harbor much affection for the mother that seems to have abandoned him. I so dreadfully wanted to ask what had happened, but I turned the questioning to his son. I realize that the best way to gain a person's confidence is in small, spaced instances. Although I doubt the things he tells me are not volunteered to others (ex: he announced to the room where he had spent the weekend), I can exist under the impression that I am special.

He's surrounded by young ladies, many much more talented in his field and much prettier than me. And chances are as good as not, there's another one like me somewhere in the crowd. But I adore him, and his child, and that has to count for something. At least within my fantasies where something actually happens, it means everything. Nothing is more important to a good parent than that their partner loves their child. My father wasn't a good father. But this man is.

He addresses me by my short name. I take note of the people who do this. They are the most familiar with me; it expresses affection. Granted, his familiar with everyone. But somehow this made me feel special.

It's most probable that by the end of the summer I will have mostly shed these feelings, that this infatuation will be a far past memory. But for now, I continue to plot my way into his son's good graces. Into his home. Into his life. Into his binding heart. If he could love me half so much as he does his boy, I would be very happy. Every time I look at him, he is more beautiful. Sun-weathered, smile lines, and such bright eyes. I tried to capture him in drawing, but then I realized how dark I must make the portrait to reflect the brightness of his eyes. Such a beautiful countenance. Made all the beautiful by every new thing I learn about him.