Well thanks to the shitty quality of my writing, or more specifically the fact that I focus on personal problems, not any categorical problem that people can get riled about, nor do I present my narrative as a coherent drama, I'm in little danger of this blog ever being discovered. Still, the very fact that it can be found leads to questions of privacy, etc. So I'm going to write down my frustrations about not being able to share my thoughts, all while not being able to share my thoughts. Double layer of censorship. yaaay.
So. I found out that pursuing a relationship with my crush wouldn't have nearly the negative consequences I thought it would. Avoiding those consequences requires me to go against instinct and be forthright about everything. It's like standing on a stage with your arms stretched out, completely vulnerable. Try it sometime, and imagine the seats full of people, all eyes on you. If your heart doesn't start beating faster, you're not using enough imagination. That's the kind of scary pursuing an openly discouraged but disclosure-required relationship can induce.
And so, afraid that telling my friends who it is I like might fall under the spreading rumors, stalking or harassment clauses, I still can't share my joy. Out of fear.
And I'm pretty sure even my best friend thinks that its stupid for me to like this person, so telling my bestie may likely lead to a rift between us, leaving me feeling more alone. Especially if she comes to the obvious conclusion that I'm immediately going to pursue this. Which I'm not. Because I have forethought. Not. That. Dumb.
Time to go have dinner with someone that I am discouraged from having a relationship with, but there's no fucking policy so I don't have to give a shit who knows, or be especially afraid of anyone finding out or not or whatever. Except that I do not want this person, or anyone, except the one I (kind of, sort of) can't have.
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