In my self-examination, I have gone over many instances of transgression, but I intend to give a concise analysis of the root problems.
The key problem I have, that seems to lead to all others, is that I do not ask questions. When I run into a problem, I try to fix it myself, rather than asking for help. Often this leads to the problem persisting much longer than it needs to, but I am afraid to ask because I (perhaps incorrectly) believe that I am expected to handle some problems on my own, that certain issues are too insignificant to bother you with.
At times I have tried to take initiative and improvise in order to make the experimental process more efficient. To be honest, I foolishly thought that you would be impressed by my initiative. Perhaps because I am still relatively new to the procedures of research, I did not realize at the time that these were things I should have consulted with you about before moving forward. As a result, I have made deviations from the experimental procedure and possibly compromised the results. This could have been easily avoided if I had brought up the experimental issues and my proposed solutions to you, rather than forging ahead trusting solely in my own judgment.
Compounded with this, I am not 100% acquainted with the experimental procedure, as I should be. While I have an operating knowledge of how to conduct a call-back test or perform a surgery, it is my job to review the procedures and make sure that I am adhering to the time allotments between tests, etc., which I have not done sufficiently and thus have put the experiment in jeopardy.
As a result of these egregious deviations from good lab behavior--asking questions, consulting my superiors, and maintaining my familiarity with the procedures--I have more and more often received chastisement in meetings. Your frustration is well-founded, however it makes me even more nervous about asking questions that might be received as frivolous, and thus responded to with exasperation. This feeds back into the problem of not asking questions when I run into trouble, resulting in more mistakes and more chastisement. Because I expect chastisement, I have avoided meetings, which of course means that you are more angry when we finally do meet, and in the meantime I have not asked the necessary questions or made any progress updates.
Another key problem that cannot be fixed by better communication is a simple lack of adaptation, or for lack of a better term, an attention deficit. I have gotten so focused on the procedure during surgeries that I do not check the bird's vitals; I get caught up in extracting the brain and cleaning up that part of the process that I forget to turn off the perfusion pump, even though the whole reason I left it on was to clean the tube of formaline! As I write this, I realize that I should have asked whether cleaning the tube with water is necessary at all; it's things like this where I make assumptions and it just doesn't occur to me to ask. Even though I've made the same mistakes multiple times, I have had extreme difficulty in training myself to correct them. Even something as simple as formatting an excel sheet, I have been told multiple times, and I realize this fully. I want to express that I am truly ashamed at my inability to adapt and correct my mistakes. It is something that I continue to actively struggle with, but of course if I'm successful, that only means that I've met the minimum expectation.
I am dedicated to this project, and to this lab. It has been my hope and continues to be that I will follow this project through to its conclusion, and use it as the basis of my honors thesis. I am also terribly sorry for the personal distress I have caused you; it was never my intention and I sincerely hope that we can rebuild a positive repertoire. It would seem a great waste of two years investment to part on an ill note.
I do believe that a large contribution to my ill performance has been utter exhaustion, or "burn-out". I had hoped that I could spend a few weeks immediately following the end of the semester recuperating, so long as the birds were cared for; I realize now that the mature and responsible thing to do would have been to inform you of my intention, and to schedule a meeting for when I would get back to work full time.
I ask you to let me continue through the summer. I believe that with sufficient rest and no other obligations, I will be able to make progress not only on this project, but in my personal development as it regards being a responsible and communicative member of this research lab.
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