Reflections on what a bad employee I am

So I've been given a directive. Go away, write down not only what we discussed today, but everything we've discussed over the past semester.

The version that appears in this blog is going to be, understandably, very defensive, antagonistic, and not very nice. The version I send to my boss will be a very softened, edited version of what appears here.

First of all, its a little ridiculous to decide to dismiss me now, leaving the responsibilities for animal care squarely on the shoulders of a single graduate student, who really has better things to do, while the only other undergraduate is taking classes over the summer. That's not related to my value as an employee, but I do at least feed the fucking animals.

Clearly I've made this a priority. Last semester I put in 240 hours of research, including a lot of night work. I gave up some much more promising summer opportunities to stick this one out, to try to rebuild a relationship, but that's already backfired severely. To me two weeks is not a long time, especially after my life has just gotten thrown up in the air and I've had to catch the pieces as they fell back down again. My home is a wreck, my mother is demanding attention and going to the hospital when she doesn't get the right kind. I'm exhausted, I've been exhausted, I told you this. Maybe I was supposed to tell you that I meant to take the first few weeks easy, that I was more concerned with getting enough sleep than anything else.

Okay, so the key thing got you angry most recently. You left me a note, "see me". Now, I don't respond to these immediately, because you usually are making an appointment to yell at me. And guess what? That's exactly what happened! Granted, if I had responded immediately the meeting probably would have gone better. But I only learned that later. How was I supposed to know that you actually wanted to discuss the project, that you were excited to get back to work? How could I possibly know that this meeting, unlike all other meetings, might have a positive overtone?

You accuse me of being uncommunicative, while also maintaining that it is not your job to go chasing after me. So you continue to get angrier and angrier and I have no fucking clue. Basically, you give me plenty of rope to hang myself with. And the longer I wait, the taller the scaffold gets.

Note, this is not going to work by organizational principle.

Your job as a mentor. It's funny, because I've been saying for months, you're not a mentor, you're a boss. That makes it really interesting that you see yourself as a mentor. How have you mentored me? How have you helped me grow as a person? How have you guided me? It's always been my job to come to you with questions.

Going off on my own. Well, I guess this is a profession that does not value initiative. You say that I can't be a satellite, that I have to be communicative. But I'm to be the one initiating communication about everything! That's fucking exhausting!

Really, I'm just in it for the recommendation at this point. And if I can't get that, then yes, I will happily walk. I will give you my key and blow you a kiss as the screen door hits me on the way out. At least you recognize my good work from the previous year. What proof do I need to rile up to show you that that was the real me, and this me is the tired, exhausted, scared, lonely me? How can I show you that I just need some time left alone, without this "oh my god you went two weeks without emailing me, you need to pack your bags". Yes, I realize that in the office setting, that's a long fucking time. But you know, or at least you should know, that the first week at least was spent moving all of my belongings out of university housing, because, you know, the university likes to watch us scramble like an anthill in a rainstorm. We already had the conversation of "I'm burned out", so why you expected that right after the semester end, I'd be straining at the bit to get moving on this rather heavy project. I need to heal. I can't heal when I'm also working on a research project, and I certainly can't relax when you're demanding that I get out.

Thank you, honestly, for giving me fifth and sixth chances. Yes, I realize nothing has changed, but that's because nothing has changed. I was performing badly because I was exhausted. I'm still exhausted. I avoided you because you were hostile. You're still hostile. The only thing that's changed is that you can't make me cry any more. I know that my value as a person is much greater than you estimate. I know that I'm not just the person you see, and furthermore that the world is much bigger than the lab you live in. No, I'm not good at being a subordinate with a boss... like you, does that mean I'm not good at anything? Give me some time, and not just "time" but time to relax and recuperate and regain my zen. I've been gasping for breath for weeks; that doesn't count as time. That's a continuing struggle. And these past two weeks, while I've tried to relax, well, you try to relax when the dogs are barking at 8am and workmen are sanding and sawing and banging from 8 to 5 and family are getting home at 11pm and everything is covered in dust and all your belongings are still in bags and boxes because you don't want to get them covered in dust and you're mother is putting herself in the hospital as a convoluted form of guilt.

I'm tired. I just need a little more time. And I need to know when you're going to actually be supportive. I put off meeting because I've preconceived it to be a bash session.